Friday, December 05, 2008

agIsh: WhoWhatWhenWhereWhy?

There is no "who"! There never will a "who"! The last time I thought there was a "who" my heart got ripped out! In fact, you can pretty much track me via my bleeding heart since 2006! And of course my writing off of the female species is all due to fear! Who wouldn't want a nice, warm ass to wake up to every morning? But at what cost?! I digress...I'm wearing out my "!/1" key.

School and archery that's what. That's all I think about these days. I have one week left before finals and I'm burning out man. I'm burning out at an exponential rate. Because of the periodic pop quizzes I'm in a constant "state of cat-like readiness". On the other hand, because of the pop quizzes my inherent laziness doesn't have a chance to kick in and cause me to fall behind. *shrug*

As for archery, which had brought me so much joy in recent months, has been a source of anxiety in my life. I think I'm going through a mental block; I can't shoot straight. Alright, alright...get the nasty sex jokes out of your system. Can we grow up now? What, are you in the third grade or something? Anyway, as with all things, the physical is preceded by the mental - if you think it is so, you will do so. Problem is I'm not thinking so. I have no idea how to get over it. It seems as though the more I practice to overcome it the deeper I get into it. It's a deadly, vicious, pummeling cycle. We have a competition in mid-January and I have a little over a month to become badass. Let's hope for the best.

That's a good question. Although I'm enjoying all these things I do, I'm not really living for today. My life is really quite stagnant; nothing to speak of really. I've convinced myself that I'm investing in my future, that when this is all done with I'll start living my life. Wouldn't it suck if I finish my "preparations" and find zero meaning in anything? At that point, I may have to pack up and randomly relocate and hopefully some meaning finds me.

Here. I kind of like where I am. It's hard to say if it's genuine "like" or just complacency, however. I know if I drive a couple hours in any direction I could get away from it all. But like I said, I have things to do before I actually do any of that. You gotta understand: I'm old. I look at it as a make-it-or-break-it point. I'm young enough that I can find something and pursue it fully but old enough that I can't really afford to eff around anymore. So I'm doing what I need to do before I get to do what I want to do. So, this is where I'm staying for the next couple of years.

So that my life can start, man! As fun as school has been (it beats working) I don't want to have school be the excuse anymore. I'm both excited to get it behind me and afraid that it may be like suddenly pulling away crutches. But "sometimes you just gotta race", Chappelle says. No one truly knows what's going to happen until it does. Sometimes you just gotta push forward while trying your best. Sometimes you just gotta decide that "something else is more important than fear."


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