agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part VI

Exactly one week to go. I woke up nervous again. All this shit going through my head. I rehearsed my script - I don't know how many times yesterday - and memorized half of it. I have to memorize the other half today...which happens to be the more difficult half. I'm hoping to memorize it and still have at least 3 or 4 hours before I go to bed tonight to run through the presentation itself a couple times.

My advisor meeting's tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

I'm not looking forward to it anymore.

nv|ag

agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part V

Roller coast of emotion man. Yesterday I was cool but I woke up this morning short of having a panic attack. For some reason, I woke up and started thinking about questions I didn't have answers to. So for part of the day I was just in deep thought and looked for answers. I think I managed to find answers to most if not all of them. However, that anxiety hasn't left me entirely. I've been rehearsing my presentation all day today, scripting my words so I say just the right thing, and committing it to memory in spite of this looming fear.

My lab buddies gave me two pieces of advice: 1) your audience is the general public, not the professors so, 2) dumb it down. It's definitely much cleaner than it was last week and my slide transitions feel comfortable and natural, very much like an everyday conversation. My only concern really is that I've dumbed it down too much and will be asked to get into more detail. My script has room for a little wiggle room, but not much more. There are queues on screen and in my wording that lead me from one idea to the next. If I'm asked to incorporate more that orchestration might fall apart. I'll see though. No use worrying about a future that has yet to exist.

I just gotta plow through until Friday.

nv|ag

agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part IV

I feel strangely confident that my presentation will go well. This will undoubtedly lead to procrastination and ultimately failure on the day of my defense. Over the years I've found that I do my best when I'm a little nervous heading into something. I've been teaching for about four years now and I still find myself a little nervous before starting class. It's weird, I can't explain it. All I know is that little voice saying, "You know this is going to end up shit, don't you?" needs to be there. A couple of days ago this voice was unbearable. Tonight, a little over a week before my defense, that voice is a whisper.

Then again, I do have that meeting on Friday and my advisor always manages to make me nervous no matter what I'm doing.

I'm now looking forward this meeting.

nv|ag

agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part III

Damn it's hot. It's hard to think about anything else when this heat is just relentless. But, I can't afford to be anything less than on it. In 9 days, I make my final stand and in 9 days I'll be ready. Actually, I'll be ready in less time than that. I've been making pretty good progress. My first shitty version of my presentation took about a week to make. After some good feedback, I pumped out my better second version in about 24 hours. I think it's stronger because it sounds like me. I don't know who I was trying to be in my first version, maybe a pretentious graduate student, I don't know. But this version sounds like a conversation I'd have with some dude on the street.

Dude: "Aye, brotha, can you spare a dime?"
Me: "No, but I would love to talk to you about my research."

So, for the next couple of days I'll be committing my presentation to memory. On Friday I'll be meeting with my advisor and I'm sure there will be changes. Hopefully not enough to warrant a third version, though...cuz that shit would suck with less than a week to go.

Fortunately, no matter how bad I do, I'm pretty sure I'll pass. In the history of our program, only one student has failed so the odds are in my favor.

...I'd hate to be the second guy on that list though.

nv|ag

agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part II

I managed to shorten my intro by about 10 slides last night. My first run-through of my presentation on Friday night with a couple of buddies of mine was pretty painful. I was being too wordy and I managed to bore myself while doing it. This second draft should be a lot cleaner and tighter. I have a meeting with my advisor on Friday and it should be even tighter after that. I still have two weeks to polish so I feel good about that.

I still managed to play about an hour and a half of Fallout: New Vegas in spite of how busy I am... *shrug*

nv|ag

agIsh: The Next Milestone - Part I

I hate feeling alone. This is definitely one of those times. I think that's why I randomly click on my bookmarks: hoping that it refreshes with new content, assuring me that someone is just on the other side of that monitor.

You know it's bad when you've signed onto facebook chat. The only thing worse than facebook is facebook chat. :(

I'm blogging tonight to feel connected. To what or to whom? I really couldn't tell you. I guess it's just enough to be a random blog entry floating in this virtual space.

The reason I'm here and not out there is because of my next milestone. In a little under two weeks, I'll have to stand in front of a committee of professors and prove to them that I'm good enough to receive an 8.5 x 11" piece of paper that says "Masters" on it. I'm nervous...very nervous. To make sure that I perform well in spite of my anxiety I'm choosing to sit here and work.

But, there's the rub: the longer I sit, the less connected I feel, the worse my productivity.

So, in an attempt to reach a happy medium, I'm going to blog each night and share/track my progress. It'll help me move forward and should be fun to read after the fact.

Wish me luck. I need it.

nv|ag

agIsh: Rapist Alert

Man, I hope they find this guy...



nv|ag

agIsh: Yet another iPad review...

My desktop has paid its dues and is hinting that it wants to be put into the nursing home. Fortunately, I've always wanted a Linux machine in the house. Unfortunately, the desktop was already stripped down for use by my non-tech-savvy dad and Linux is going to blow his mind. So, I bought an iPad. Sure, it's mildly expensive but it's easy as dirt to use and I felt it was the best solution for my dad.

In my opinion, the birth of the iPad was absolutely necessary. After all, someone's gotta take the first step, fall flat on their face, so that the rest can learn what not to do. On the scale of usefulness, I'd rate the iPad a 2 (the Netflix and Star Walk apps each get a point). Another blog criticized the iPad as being a pure consumer of content rather than a producer of content and I couldn't agree more. You can read blogs, you can view [non-flash] video clips, you can listen to music, and you can read blogs...oh, and you can view video clips. Beyond that, though, the power of the iPad limits the user to updating blogs.

It's been said that the power of the iPad is in its apps and that the right app will make the iPad the machine to have. But how much can you really do with a machine that doesn't support Flash, doesn't have USB ports, and whose processor is capped at 1Ghz? 1GHz? That's like announcing the exclusive Ferrari with a Camry V6 engine (I love my Camry, by the way...thank you for asking). Even with the little that it does, I'm seeing how slow it can be (oh, forgot that multitasking isn't supported natively).

All that said, it's a slick ass machine and very fun to play with. If your needs don't extend beyond internet browsing, YouTubing, and other useless shit, the iPad is absolutely the best option for you. However, even the serious blogger should cross the iPad off their list and consider something like a netbook.

The Pub's alive, bitches!

nv|ag

chair: how did i end up here

memories, retrospect, hindsight. these cerebral relics of the past will either make or break me. lately, it seems as though i’m leaving imprints in other people’s memories but retaining none of it for myself. let me tell you though, technology can be your best friend or worst enemy when it comes to wanting to remember (or begging to forget) certain things.

i don’t like waking up and checking my phone to see if i’ve said anything stupid, embarrassing, or hurtful. on nicer days, i will see that people texted me fun times, good night, and so forth. on bad ones, i would visibly flinch at things i wrote directed to very specific people. even worse is when you wake up to an empty log. half of you want to believe it was an accident that it got cleared, but most of us know it takes a couple of confirmations before the shameful history can be erased. this is one of the rare moments where i miss the days where people just called. drunken calls and voicemails can at least be put into their appropriate context.

do i even have the luxury of feeling this bad these days? i mean, i said and did things. i was fucked up. but it was me nonetheless. there’s no compromise. i can’t just go out and have fun and end things there. i want to remember all the good feelings, but once i get to investigating why i had such a good time, i’m finding out things I don’t particularly remember saying or doing. welcome to Blackout-ville. how may i not help you today?

so it’s goodbye to dignity, hello to insecurities and utter remorse. i can only piece so much of the puzzle together with what bruises appear in the next few days (right now i have eight new ones since tuesday evening, some spots are still tender and others I’m not able to see without another set of eyes). the investigation usually backfires when people laugh and the only answer i’ll ever get is “you really don’t remember?”

it sucks because i remember it being so much fun. i guess it’s time to embrace fun as a fleeting sensation, but it would be nice to have some solid memories to go with that. can’t just squint my eyes to make things appear clearer—there is no optical illusion in this except i can't/don’t know how to distinguish between what actually happened and what was just an embellished thought i mistook for reality.

i probably deserve this. what person runs around punching and kicking people (half of whom i just met that night and whose living-room-turned-dance-floor i was being crazy on) and calls it fun? from the looks of it, i inflicted more damage on myself than anyone else. sigh.

***

“hey, did i fall on my head? it kinda hurts”

“well, after reviewing the video…i think you may have a few times”

“there was a video?!”

damn. reading this post over was like vomit on my ego. i swear i'm not so obsessive all the time and am able to have a good time, sometimes, maybe.. ? ugh.

chair: no more shmoke

i have this habit of announcing everything i'm about to do like it's a big deal. borderline narcissism disorder.

so are you ready? this one is good. i quit smoking cigs! and i'm recruiting everyone!

there are a million reasons: i'm getting old and the signs of smoking are showing in my skin, i can cross it off my lengthy list of vices, and frankly there is no point. i picked up smoking socially...i don't know when. and i was a very spoiled smoker--i had special cigarettes shipped to me monthly from japan so i was never without the tasty citrus mentholy goodness that was a lucia. i loved the act of smoking while driving, smoking while chatting, smoking while laying down, smoking to enhance other substances, even sometimes sharing a cig was nice.

but i don't think i was ever dependent on them. it's been two weeks and i've had two. the most difficult times are when i'm stressed and just want to sit on a bench and have a puff. drinking or being around other smokers doesn't really bother me, so i guess that's good.

so if you're interested, please join me. quit gradually, have an occasional cig, whatever. if you're looking for a high, the one that comes with knowing you've liberated yourself from a dirty habit is quite nice, too.

i'm still drinking like a mofo though so i don't know. don't listen to me. haha